Casting the news: The royal wedding

The TV movie William & Kate missed a trick with its low-budget casting. Who would you have appointed to the royal roles?

Nicolas Cage and Katie Holmes
Hairs to the throne ... have Nicolas Cage and Katie Holmes got the locks to play William and Kate? Photograph: Dave Benett/Jason Kempin/Getty Images

This special edition of Casting the News is slightly unusual in that, well, it's already been cast. Thanks to the Lifetime TV movie William & Kate, we already know who'd play the principal cast in a cinematic adaptation of the upcoming royal wedding. Quite obviously, Nico Evers-Swindell (State Trooper #2 in Edge of Darkness) would play Prince William, while only Camilla Luddington (from one episode of Days of Our Lives) has the chops to pull off a convincing Kate Middleton. Meanwhile, Ben Cross from Chariots of Fire would play Prince Charles and Serena Scott Thomas would play Carole Middleton and that's that. Bye! Thanks for reading!

Oh, fine. Let's do this properly. After all, our resources are far greater than Lifetime's – we can tell the difference between a good film and a bad film, for instance, and we're not constrained by a budget so insultingly minuscule that we can only hire actors who nobody has ever heard of. Plus, don't forget that our movie adaptation of the royal wedding will never actually exist, which automatically makes it about 50 times better than William & Kate.

So let's get straight down to it. Prince William himself is a decidedly tricky character to pin down. The obvious choice would be Nicolas Cage, but that's based exclusively on his hairline and the British accent he briefly attempted halfway through National Treasure 2. In terms of age and general demeanour, he should probably be struck off the list. Perhaps someone such as Robert Pattinson or Andrew Garfield would be more suitable. As for who'd play Kate, in terms of looks, age and convincingly appearing to be a bland young woman trapped in an all-powerful system that she's powerless to fight against, she can only really be played by Katie Holmes.

But this isn't just a story about William and Kate. The peripheral characters in a film of this magnitude could run into the hundreds. Sue Nicholls from Coronation Street is a given to play Camilla, but could Anjelica Huston fit the bill as Kate's mother? Does Haley Joel Osment have the aristocratic swagger to play Prince Harry? Helen Mirren's already had one pop at the Queen, so would it be nice to let Judi Dench have a turn?

Then there's the Archbishop of Canterbury to consider. Assuming that Michael Gambon still has his Dumbledore get-up, could he be a shoo-in? And, admit it, Tom Wilkinson was born to play BBC royal wedding anchor Huw Edwards. We still haven't picked a director (Tom Hooper? Joe Wright? Paul WS Anderson?). Or a title (The King to Be's Brother's Best Man Speech? When Kate & William Became Killiam?). Or a tagline ("The reason for you having that day off that one time"? "The wedding that defined the entire quarter of a generation that it lasted for"?)

So here's what's needed from you:

Balding heartthrob Prince William

Anonymous Queen-in-waiting Kate Middleton

Belligerent redhead Prince Harry

Tired patriarch Prince Charles

Disinterested stepmother Camilla

The Actual Queen

Flinty-eyed social climber Carole Middleton

Kindly bearded Archbishop of Canterbury

Happy little Huw Edwards

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